God, are you there?

God, when I was still in my ponytails my grandma said that you save lives. You once saved my grandpa’s life when he got stabbed by some man that he got beat in their mahjong session. I don’t want to doubt her words, God, but I could never seem to stop asking this question, where were you last year, the second of February when I was choking in my own tears praying that you’ll save my daddy’s life? Were you busy saving other lives? Were their lives greater than my dad’s? He, too, was a great man, God, he was a great man.

I remember when I used to read the bible, it said that I was made in your likeness but, why cant I love myself then? Why cant I look at myself in the mirror and be glad on what’s in front of me? If you have eyes, if you are what they say you are, where were you when these razor ran across my wrist? When 10 cuts became 20? Turn to 50? And then a hundred. Where were you when they mocked me when i run out of sweaters to wear? Where were you, God?

If you love us so much, God, where were you when I was sleeping soundly and my cousin barged into my room so small that i could barely fit in, he killed all the beautiful fantasy I had for this world, He took away my happiness, God. My purity! Where were you when i was shouting your name, your holy name that is? Was i an exception of God loves all the kids so much? I was 8 back then God, i was 8 with no parents to hold because my mom died giving birth to me, my papa had to work in someone else’s country to feed my hungry stomach, i didnt deserved this agony.

Where were you, God when they mocked me and throw rocks at me for being queer? Where were you when my own parents despised and made me sleep in the basement for being me? Am i not one of your children?

Mama’s lover was all groggy when he went home, he had dark circles under his yes and a bottle of whiskey. I was so scared when he started yelling, cursing at mama, he stormed in their room and of course mama followed her, i heard a bang, a gunshot, God. I hurriedly went to see what it was, and i almost fainted, blood streamed across the carpet my mom loves so much. I knelt down and stroked mama’s beaten porcelain face. Where were you god when this bastard killed the only family that i had? Where were you when mama needed a job so she could leave this bastard who beats her when he’s bored? Don’t you love me, God?

Where we’re you when I was walking down the alley of our town and these goons forcefully took me inside their van and punched my stomach? Where were you when they sold me to some guys and made me as a sex slave?

God, I swear I don’t want this job. But I had no choice. My parents are jobless and I have little siblings to feed. I was a great dancer, that’s what they said. I even won several awards in inter school dance battle, but God, I never wished to dance here in this dimly lit rooms where all married guys have good time while their wives worry. Where are you right now? I need you to save me, God.

It’s now my third time in jail but right now, it’s not robbery anymore God. It’s murder. It wasn’t my intention to stabbed  the cop who chased me for taking that old lady’s bag, he pulled the trigger, I just have to defend myself, God. I was just another boy who needs money for my grandmom’s hospital bill or else, they will sent us out. I can’t let them do that, I can’t let my grandmother die. She’s the only one left, when you know, when you took my parents away from me. Remember seven years ago? It was raining hard and we were just another family living in a small crooked house along the river? remember how they saved me and grandma while they drowned? My momma was even carrying a rosary, God. but where we’re you? where were you seven years ago and seven years later?

They said you are everywhere, in everything, in the eyes of small kids, in the eyes of everyone I love. But why can’t I see you in my own eyes? in my own life, God. Where are you? are you there?

God, Dear Almighty, If you’re really there, I don’t wish you to part the sea again, or turn this water into wine, I just want you to calm these seas inside me. And for once, just let me sleep without these suicidal thoughts clouding my mind. I just need someone right now that can wrap their arms around my weak bones. I just wanna feel safe, God, please, let me sleep. Let me rest.

I was inspired to write this. Stories that I’ve heard, i just have to write this.

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